ADHD working memory can interfere with my Autistic masking. The following is a short fictional story (written a bit like a script for a play) that depicts my experiences with a side of humour for fun!

Which mask?

I rock back and forth at my desk.

My support worker sits on my left.

“Any plans for today?” she asks.

Exhausted, I speak slowly with hesitation.

“I need some washing done and help sorting out that email to get my sensory headphones repaired or replaced under warranty.”

“Sounds good, Jaz! Do you want to start getting ready?”

I nod slowly, yawn loudly and gather my clothes.

The email can wait, my brain is all hurty.  

My phone rings.

I flap my hands several times and hold my breath.

My brain ignites with familiar chaos.

ASD: “What mask will this call require? Do we know the number?”

ADHD: “It’s unfamiliar, where’s it coming from?”

Jaz: “It’s a private number.”

Anxiety: “Oh, don’t answer it… it could be anyone. Better safe 🔒 and silent 😶.”

ADHD: “If safety and silence go hand in hand, we’re screwed. You know I can’t do the silent part, at least not for long.”

Anxiety: “So we’re destined for danger!”

Jaz: “Stop it brain. You’re creating more topics for therapy again.” 😒

ADHD: “Isn’t silence the same as non-verbal in a way?” 🤔

ASD: “Hey!😧”

Anxiety: “How about stop trembling and focus on the call? Your support worker looks concerned.”

ADHD: “Focus on the call? You know I can’t help getting distracted!”

Anxiety: “Don’t answer it. Please. Jaz, you’re so burnt out. Put it on silent.”

Jaz: “Hmm. Anxiety has a point. Besides, the caller will leave a message if it’s urgent.”

ADHD: “Exactly. It could be important. Whenever we procrastinate and avoid important things you tell me off. I’m answering it!”

My support worker perches on the edge of her chair.

“Are you going to answer it?”

My trebling finger swipes the screen.

ASD: “Ew, gross. Clean your screen.”

ADHD: “I would if I knew where the wipes were…”

The phone call timer starts counting.

Four seconds in, five, six.

I press speaker.

“Hello?” I say. “Friend?”

ASD: “Why’d you choose that tone? And why’d you have to say “friend?” You’re not doing a YouTube-”

Anxiety: “Because burnout tone might come across as a hungover tone…”

ADHD: “And saying friend sounds fun!”

“Hi, is that Jaz?

“Yes, who’s calling?”

“I’m calling from “A Fantastic Company to Work For”! How are you?”

Flustered, I flap my hands, somehow preparing to mask my tiredness.

Time for my eager voice!

“I’m good thanks!” I say. “How are you?”

“Great. I’m well. So, we’re just returning your call about the job you applied for.”

My support worker smiles.

I try to smile too but I’m too distracted by the fact that it’s a private number calling.

(Now, also the fact that the image I chose to represent this scene looks like a video call.)

Anxiety: “How do we now this call is legit?”

“Which job? When did I apply?”

Jaz: “Wait, I’m not speaking aloud, am I?”

My support workers facial expression hasn’t changed... I must have said it in my head.

ASD: “JAZ. Mask. NOW.”

Hand flaps resume.  

My support workers hands signal confidence.

I slow my flaps and focus.

Anxiety: “Be appreciative, you applied for work. They got back to you! Don’t mess this up.”

I nod.

“Thank you for getting back to me.” I say, trying hard not to sound robotic. “Could you give me a moment, I’ve just got someone here with me.”

ADHD: “What? What was that for? You might have a job! Why are you asking for a moment?”

The person on the phone clears their throat.  

“I can call you back later if it’s a bad time.” they say.

ADHD: “Jaz, think on the sport!”

Jaz: “What?”

ADHD: “Think on the SPOT!”

Jaz: “The first time you said sport, and now I’m thinking of…”

ASD: “HJKFDhfskjdhgdkgjhsdfdghj. MASK!”

Jaz: “Oh, right!”

I break the silence.

“Oh, no it’s fine,” I say. “I just have to talk to someone real quick. I’ll be less than a minute.”

“Okay.”

Mutes phone.

“You okay?” asks my support worker. “We can call them back later if you want.”

My mask drops ever so slightly.

“I’m fine. I just need to process this.”

Returns to brain.

ADHD: “Okay, where were we?”

Anxiety: “We put them on hold. Your support worker is staring at us. Your hand’s trembling and you’re probably gonna mess this up.”

ADHD: “I’ll try my hardest not to! I mean it this time!”

Jaz: “Look, just stop talking so I can take the call!”

ASD: “Aha! Silence. Finally. I know it never lasts long, but damn is it good!”

ADHD bounces legs up and down.

Anxiety: “We can’t just sit here and silently panic…”

ADHD: “Silently panic…? If silence is safety then silent panic must be a safe way to panic?”

ASD: “ADHD! You you’re making no sense. Focus!”

ADHD: “What! You’re expecting me to do what? …Why?”

ASD: “Return to the call. Listen to their response so we can effectively progress with the social interaction.”

Anxiety: “And hurry!”

Dopamine appears.

Dopamine: “Sorry I’m late!”

ASD: Oh, you’re always late!

Anxiety: Dopamine. We meet again. You came back to get us in trouble, didn’t you?”

Dopamine: “No I didn’t. Trust me…”

ADHD: “Yes! Always trust dopamine! Trust it! Trust it! It’s like a serpent of good things!”

ASD and Anxiety: “You worry us sometimes.”

Anxiety: “Wait, there’s no time to get fixated on things now. We can do that later –

ADHD: “That’s right! The strategy we learnt ages ago in therapy – setting aside “worry time”, right?”

Anxiety: Yeah, I hope so. I’d hate to be wrong. Anyway, we should hurry. A Really Good Place to Work is on hold, you know.”

ASD: “Jaz, start taking your meds more regularly – or else dopamine shows up uninvited. Ever heard of routine?”

ADHD: “Poutine? Haha that sounds like Poo-team!”

Jaz: “Can it ADHD. Dopamine, why are you here?”

Dopamine: “To encourage you of course. Work = income!”

Jaz: “That’s quite logical. Elaborate?”

“Jaz.” says my support worker. “We probably shouldn’t keep them waiting too long. You want me to talk?”

I shake my head and try to somehow get my thoughts to express themselves even faster than they already are. Otherwise they’ll build up. Then they’ll implode which could lead to a meltdown or a shutdown – or a combination of both.

Dopamine grabs my attention.

Dopamine: “A job gives you a steady income to buy glittery things, art supplies, plushies, dolls, soft fluffy things and other fun toys! You can always trust the glittery goodness of sparkles!”

ASD: “Income also gives stability, and consistency, Pokemon cards and LEGO.”

ADHD: “Oh! Pokemon and LEGO! You’re right! What fun!”

Jaz’s brain sparks. From the heavens, warm light illuminates hovering boxes of LEGO.

Pleasant choir music plays.

————–

Hello friend! 👋 You’re about halfway through the story!

This page break is here to remind you to do the things you might need to do. Have a stretch, hydrate if you need, let out out some excess energy in a safe, helpful way and continue reading when you’re ready.

————–

My support worker points to my phone.

I unmute.

“Sorry, I’m back now.” I say to A Fantastic Place to Work For.

“All good. Now, we’ve had tons of applications come through. We intended to get back to you a couple of weeks ago.”

“It’s been a busy month everywhere lately. What with, you know, various local and world events and things.”

ASD: “Was there relevance in that?”

ADHD: “I don’t know. It sounded conversational…”

The person on the phone speaks.

“Yes, it’s been quite busy. Good news though. Your application stood out from the others. You’ve made the shortlist along with five others.”

“Aw, thank you!” I reply. “I’ve heard that A Fantastic Place to Work For is such a fantastic place to work for.

My support workers nods and smiles. They give a thumbs up.

I return their thumbs up. Are they are happy I received a call back about a job I don’t remember applying for? Are they indicating their confidence and encouragement? Or does their thumbs up mean “I believe in you Jaz, you got this!”? 👍

ADHD: “Yay! A job! Finally, we can contribute to the Eeeeeeeeeeeecon-”

Anxiety: “Hold it! We don’t even know if Jaz got the job…”

ADHD: “-eep.”

“We’d like to offer you an interview first thing on Monday at 9am.”

My heart speeds into overdrive.

ADHD: “EEEEEEP!”

ANXIETY: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no, no, no, no, no!”

“Wow, thank you!”

Suddenly, everything feels heavy and overwhelming.

ASD: “Oh no. There could be eye contact!”

Anxiety: “Yeah, we don’t need that.”

ASD: “What do we wear?”

“Are you okay?” asks the person on the phone.

ASD: “What is the social default here? How should I respond? I’m tired. My mask is dropping…”

ADHD: “Just say “No worries”. That always works.”

Anxiety: “No it doesn’t. It’s too casual. This is professional. You should appear interested!”

“I’m very interested!” I say. “Thank you.”

“Great!”

Anxiety: “Jaz. ADHD’s getting restless over here, and you know what that leads to.”

ADHD: “What does it lead to?”

Anxiety: “Uh, let’s see. Usually a bad decision. The last time you made one of those, Jaz was an anxious wreck for weeks.”

Depression appears.

Depression: “Yeah, I remember that. Tsk, tsk, tsk. So much self-inflicted suffering. Jaz kinda brought it on themselves though. That’s what self-inflicted means afterall.”

“Does that time suit?” asks the person from A Fantastic Place to Work For.

“Yes. 9am would be great.” I say, as casually as I can. “Can’t wait!”

I cringe, anxious for the next part of our social interaction.

“Okay, just a few things to note during the interview…”

I‘m so out of my comfort zone. No idea what to say here.

I’m just winging it.

Depression: Indeed you are… much like a flightless Piplup. Wings clipped. Going nowhere. Why are you even trying? You’ll just fail. ADHD knows it too. ADHD knows it so well.”

Jaz: “Depression! Nobody asked for your input!”

Depression: “Nobody ever does… 😏… 😩… because nobody likes it when I’m around.😢”

Jaz: “Go back to your compartment and wait til therapy.”

Depression: “Okay.” 😔

ADHD: “Um. Eh. I think my meds are due.” 😮

“Okay, we’ll see on Tuesday at 9am. Bye!”

“Thanks, bye!”

Anxiety: “Oh no, oh no, oh no.”

The call ends.

My support worker uses their notebook to jot down notes from the call cause I can’t remember much. It’s all jumbly in my head.

“You did really well,” says my support worker. “You knew what to say and were so fast to respond too.”

“Uh, thanks, I guess, but I didn’t really know what I was doing. I just guessed and tried my best to stay focused. A lot goes on in my brain.”

My support worker smiles.

“I mean it. You did so well!”

…At pretending. Perhaps I’d better do it more often?

Even though I have no idea how I do it… how people don’t see through the veil.

I sigh and reach for my meds.

ASD: “Well, glad that’s over with! Now. Time to drop the mask and return to burnout.”

I yawn.

ADHD: “Wait… what are we doing?”

ASD: “Returning to burnout…”

ADHD: “I know, but how burnt out were we before that call?”

Burnout: “Does it even matter? Just collapse on the floor already.”

ASD: “Yes, it matters!”

Burnout: “Why?”

ASD: “Because we need to know where we’re at, that’s why. If we look inconsistent, we’ll look like we have no idea what we’re doing.”

ADHD: “Half the time we don’t know what we’re doing…”

ASD: “Exactly, and people can’t find out our secret! Also, smile… you might have a job. Surely you want your support worker to see your happiness? Sometimes people expect facial expressions.”

I smile and my support worker grins.

I hope she doesn’t think I’m having a delayed emotional response to the good news from the phone call. I hate when I miss the cue to smile or forget that I have to.

“This is so exciting!” she says. “I really am so proud of you!”

I go to talk but stop.

ADHD: “So. Does anyone know what mask we were wearing before the call?”

ASD: “I’m thinking it’s one of the tired ones. You know where we are making ourselves go through the motions… a bit slow and unmotivated, but still trying to get things done. I’m not sure which level of tired though. Anxiety? You usually fixate on this stuff so we can avoid these situations.”

Anxiety: “Don’t look at me.”

ADHD: “Yeah, don’t do that. Anxiety hates being stared at.”

ASD: “I don’t know how many times I’ve had to say this, but we can’t stare at you. You’re invisible. Nobody can stare at any of us.”

Depression: “Exactly, they just stare at Jaz.”

Jaz: 😑 “Don’t make me talk to my therapist.”

Depression: “You’ll probably forget to anyway.”

😳

Jaz: “I mean it Depression. ADHD needs extra time this week.”

ADHD: “Wrong. 🙃 ADHD needs extra time every week.” 🤣

Depression: It’s pretty sad how much therapy Jaz needs in general…

Jaz: Depression… I’m warning you… 😑

ASD: “How much were we flapping our hands before that call? Were we rocking? What about our tone of voice? How were we sitting as well? ADHD, you’re tapping your feet! Does that mean we can stim again? Anxiety! Why didn’t you step in to help?”

Anxiety: “Because of last months CBT. I think it’s working somehow. It’s freaking me out. I keep being silenced.”

ADHD: “Wait, that’s right. Silence, we were talking about that before, weren’t we?”

Burnout: “ADHD could you please stop moving. Jaz might have work soon and all you wanna do is fidget. You think Jaz is made of energy?”

ADHD: “I’m restless. This helps me pay attention. Do you realise how long we just sat still for?”

ASD: “I don’t know I wasn’t timing it.”

My support worker is looking at me. I look to the floor to avoid eye contact.

ADHD: “Oh! What’s in that box?” 📦

Jaz: “ADHD, sit back down! Stop! There’s washing to do! There’s… an email to write. Meds to take…”

ADHD: “Yeah, that can come later. Let’s get out the art stuff!”

Executive Function appears.

Executive Function: “Noooo don’t! Please listen to Jaz!”

ADHD: “But art is fun!”

Executive function: “Okay, but I don’t have the capacity to clean up after you all!”

ADHD: “Yay! Glitter!”

ASD: “Come-on ADHD, Jaz is being stared at by their excited support worker. Which mask does Jaz need to wear?”

Burnout: “Can we please stop now? I’m tired. Jaz, please drop the mask already and put the lid back on the box, I’m begging you! Call it quits for the day. You can send your support worker out to do the things, you know. Conserve your battery level.”

ADHD: “See, Jaz is burnt out. Why should Jaz be wasting energy masking?”

ASD: “Huh. Well, that’s complicated. I don’t think Jaz even understands that.”

Dopamine: “Come do some arttttt!”

“Jaz, looks like you want to do some art.” says my support worker.

Dopamine and Jaz: “Yeah!”

“Okay, if you think there’s time. But just remember we have priorities.”

“I know, but I wanna celebrate the call and express my feelings through art.”

Anxiety: “And while we sit there making a mess with the paint, we can silently freak out about the interview.”

Jaz: “What did I say about creating more therapy topics…?” 😑

Working memory appears.

Working Memory: “Hello there friend!”👋

Jaz: Hello friend! 👋

ADHD: “Woah! Where did you come from?”

Working memory: “You summoned me.”

ADHD: “How?”

Working memory: “You cleared a free slot with your fidgeting, that’s how. When a need is met, it makes room for more.”

ADHD: “Yay! 😃 I was just getting us ready to do some art.” 🎨

Working memory: “Not so fast.”

ASD: “ADHD doesn’t know how to slow down.” 🤣

Working memory: “I came to deliver an urgent message.” ✉️

ADHD: “Urgent?”

Anxiety: ❗ “Oh no, what have we missed?” 😱

Working memory: “Nothing… yet. I’m warning you though. It’s time sensitive.” ⏳

ADHD: “We’re all ears.” 👂

ASD: “… What? No, Jaz’s body is made up of cells. 🦠 You can’t say all ears.” 👂

Jaz: “So, what’s the message?”

Working memory: “Oh! Right…. 🙃 You have a glass of water on the table.”

Something shatters at my feet.

I look down.

Working memory: “Told you it was urgent…” 😶

The above story is a work of fiction. The support worker in the story is also fictional.

The story quite accurately reflects my brains thoughts during and after phone calls although there were elements of exaggeration to help make the story more fun and engaging.

Stories paint pictures of my neuro-different experiences. Stories bridge gaps between my thoughts, experiences and ideas to create vivid and realistic insight. They help me explain concepts that I can’t always articulate in passing conversation.

Thank you for reading my story. 🙂

I’m a fast thinker so thoughts from “ASD”, “ADHD”, “Anxiety”, “Working Memory” often occur concurrently every 0.5 seconds in any given day.

Just like in the story, “Dopamine” related thoughts are a rare occurance – likely due to my ADHD diagnosis and yet I’m constantly seeking the Dopa and wishing it were Mine. XD

If I’m sleep deprived, unwell, highly distracted, just waking up or took meds without food, then I might have between 3-4 seconds between each concurrent thought, or half a minute when I’m really drained or unwell.

Transitions are hard.

Social contexts can change between activities.

I mask in many situations; sometimes by choice, other times it’s automatic and subconscious.

The masking experience often overwhelms me.

Sometimes when my thoughts collide, I feel like I have different personas because my working memory can’t remember what mask I was wearing. How was I behaving before the phone call or other social situation?

Which mask do I put back on? Was I unmasking before the phone call? How much of my mask did I have on? Does this person know how much I’m masking? What level do they usually see me at?

All of this triggers anxiety.

Working memory only has so much space and ADHD and ASD symptoms take up a lot of mine.

How much of myself was the “fake” version before the call, as opposed to after?

I could write more but I don’t think I could cover everything.

These are tricky questions for a complex topic which I think is worth exploring more.

What are your thoughts?

Leave a comment below and share this with your friends across the globe if you think they could relate.

1. I don’t have access to therapies any more because of NDIS. This is making it hard for me to live…

2. I love this!